Growing up, I knew I was meant to be a mom. Once we got married, I couldn't wait to start that journey. We waited three years so that we had some time to our selves which I think every couple should do. But my biological clock was ticking (in my head). I was turning 30 this year. I was anxious to get started. Once we did, the only worry I had was the possibility we might lose the baby. I never thought to worry or fear we might not get pregnant. We thought, oh just give it a few months and we'll have a little bun in the oven. But as the months wore on with nothing happening I stated to get concerned. Then in July, my periods stopped completely. My brain automatically went "This is it! I must be pregnant!" But after 2 months of negative tests and my heart breaking a little each time, I knew something wasn't right.
I've now been in and out of the doctors office since September. Running test after test. We had one scare where they thought I might have Cushing syndrome (i.e. tumor) but the more tests they did determined it was a false alarm. (The emotional roller coaster we went on during that month is blog post all on its own) Even through all the worry and stress, I tried to stay positive and I joked that the one good thing about it was that I wasn't worried about having a baby anymore. I was just worried about getting this supposed tumor dealt with. Once the tumor was out of the way, it was time to figure out a game plan for my ovaries.
The Infertility Clinic is not a place I ever expected to go. But at this point I was determined. I wanted to know what was going on. First thing first was more tests. At this point I was becoming a pro at giving blood and didn't even flinch at the needles any more (which is huge for me since I've hated needles since I was a child). Even though I do complain about all the tests, I was very appreciative that my doctors wanted to be very thorough and get a clear picture of my whole body. They tested Tyler. They took an x-ray of my uterus and tubes with contrast dye (not a fun experience - trust me!). Going into my first appointment with the Infertility Clinic, this is what I knew: 1. my thyroid was not producing enough of that hormone (started pills for that a month before) 2. my testosterone was high 3. my uterus was abnormal (the vaguest and scariest email I received).
I went into the appointment trying not to expect the worst. But I just kept having this thought: "What if they tell us we can't have any kids of our own?" I knew that was jumping to the worst possible scenario but fear is something that can so easily overcome your whole thought process and take over everything. I had been struggling with fear since the beginning and I was really trying hard to not let that happen. Prayer was my mighty weapon! Tyler and I became a united front. We clung to each other. Each being strong for the other when needed. And when we both couldn't, our amazing community of family and friends surrounded us and held us up. The prayer and support that we have received this last year was mind blowing and touched our hearts. I get a little teary eyed just thinking about the blessing we have in friends and family. The random text messages, the shoulders to cry on, the extra long hugs, and most importantly, the prayers are something so precious we will hold on to forever.
As we start this new year, this is where we are at: I've been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Basically it means that my estrogen and progesterone are out of balance and it creates cysts on my ovaries. The abnormality of my uterus is nothing to worry about (just my uterine wall growing into the surrounding muscle - which will not effect pregnancy at all). The game plan is to get me to ovulate by a pill regimen using Clomid. This is just the first step. There are 5 different things that we will try over the next year. I feel really good about the game plan. And the best part: they didn't tell me it would be impossible or risky to have children. I just need a little extra help.
This year has been hard. But God has done some incredible things through it. He's brought Tyler and I closer together. He showed us the amazing community He placed around us and that we are never alone. What I was going through wasn't easy to talk about a lot of times, especially with my new mom friends. I was so excited for their new little bundles of joy but found at times I would get jealous or would just feel sad. God got me through those times, helping me to feel joy and happiness for them. They were my little lights in times of darkness.
God showed me that our child was His. He knows when that person will join our lives and how and knows whether it will have our DNA or someone else's. And I'm okay with that. Being in His hands in the only place I can be. He only has plans to prosper us. And even though life might get tough, following in His path is always going to be way better than my own.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
